Resident Evil: short stories
by Weskers Assisstant
Summary: Ok just random stories with random characters. Should be funny Many of the well known characters in it so please enjoy comment please, more to come. rated T to be safe
1. Part one

_OK I was really bored,and somewhat hyper........Anyways I was hoping to be funny and put up funny stuff of RE so enjoy._

_P.S. Thank you bro. for helping me with the stories you rock. (yes my brothers in the stories along with me his names Jeremy so you won't be confused) Enjoy my kittens. OK I re edited it so it should be better._

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1st story Weskers ride home:

Wesker's finally free from research,and paperwork,and is now making his way home in his dark blue Ferrari. When all at once

"Thump"

"What the h..." He stopped his car and checked to see what he ran over. "ow it's just a pig"

I out of nowhere ran out of the woods running to the scene my eyes welling up with tears. "you ran over my brother Wesker,"I said staring up at him.

He showed no sympathy "well why was he in the middle of the road?"

"So he could get to the other side!"

"Wes....s...ker.I...I worship you..." My brother said with his last breath.

"so wesker you taking me home tonight?"

"But I just kil..." His face drained of color and he rode home alone.

XX

2nd story Chris is a perv!:

Jill was on her day off and decided to go shopping. She stopped at a cafe for a soothing cup of coffee.

"Crap I need to take a piss" she told herself. She past goer buyers and found an empty toilet.

Giggles were coming from above and as she looked up her eyes widen. "CHRIS YOU PERV!" she screamed as other women gasped.

"Crap I thought this was the men's stall" Chris said getting off the ceiling in a Licker style motion and disappering

XX

3rd story all alone sexy barbie XD:

Ada was frantically running for her life from Ganados. She bumped into something and fell on her ass.

"What the fuck!" She cursed. she looked up to see Leon with a devilish smirk and black shading his whole face except for a glimmer of red light from his right eye.

"um...Leon whats wrong with you?"

"We are finally alone my sexy barbie!" He said in an unfamiliar Italian voice.

Ada went silent and everything went quite.

She slapped Leon in the face and kicked him in the balls.

"ooo my ma meat balsa" Leon said falling to the floor and clutching said balls.

XX

4th story death of the annoying characters:

"Wesker!" I said tackling him to the floor. "Jeremey and I need your help"

He looked irritated but waited to see how he could help. I gave him a smirk and whispered the plan in his ear.

"Fine I'll do it but stop sending me emails telling me your right outside my door or watching me sleep it's creepy!"

I looked at him and nodded.

Me and Wesker went after Rebbecca and Jeremy went for Ashley.

"Dammit Ashely wouldn't shut the hell up about her damn day and how she tried to seduced Leon in his sleep"

Both me and Wesker looked at my brother who had an unconscious Ashley slung over his shoulder. Rebbecca was easy we just hit her with a gun in the back of the head.

"OK put them in there" we did and was soon in a room with video monitors. I flipped a switch, and bright lights engulfed the cameras.

They both awoke from the brightness

"Where are we?" Rebbecca Thought

"I don't know but I'm scared!" Ashely said in a six year old voice.

"Um....OK well I'm Rebbecca and you.... are?"

"Ashley Graham want to hear about my day?" she said with the biggest smile that would cause you to jump off a cliff and fall to your death.

"Would I!!!" Rebbecca replied

They conversed so fast all I heard was Leon,Chris,gay,lesbian,yes, and teddy bear

I was getting a head ache so I suggested we got something to eat.

When we got back we decided it was time for the annoying brats to leave but when we opened the cell they were both dead with their mouths opened for more words to come out.

"They killed themselves by talking each other to death? we all saw it coming" I said somewhat relieved.

"That's hard core" my brother said.

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_sure some were kinda stupid but I still have more coming so tell me if y'all liked it and if not I won't make anymore OK._


	2. Part two

Once again thank you Jeremy for helping me out with these. Enjoy peeps.

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5th story Caught in the act:

I Casually walked through Wesker's gigantic house. I occasionally sneaked into his house and stalked him without his knowledge although he has caught me a few times. I walked into his room and looked around he was nowhere.

On his dresser were a pair of sparkling shades begging to be worn. I smirked.

I made my way to the restroom with shades in hand.

"now lets be Wesker for a day" I said almost bursting out in laughter.

First I dug through his drawers for gel.

"Bingo" I jumped with joy "wow this is strong stuff" I said looking at the labels.

I was half way with looking like him I forgot to lock the door.

The door knob turned and in came a confused Wesker.

The sun glasses slid down my nose and gel was still being put in my hair.

"Uh.....I" but I was cut off by Wesker putting his hand in the air telling me to stop.

"I don't even want to know Dyanna just clean up when your done" With that he shut the door.

I continued with my role playing by waving my hands in the air and pretending like I was swimming.

XX

6th story the encounter with a GOD!!!:

Jeremy was whistling Wesker's theme when he hit something very hard.

"Ow Ouch sorry" He said innocently he looked up and his eyes widened in awe.

"It's quite alright just watch where your going next time" Jeremy didn't say anything he was speechless drool seemed to ooze from the corner of his lip.

Wesker expression went uneasy.

"Aren't you my stalkers brother?" my brother nodded in response. He got on his knees

"Your a God" My brother kissed his boots.

Wesker smirked at the words but brought out a magnum from nowhere and pointed it at my brother.

"Now beg my slave"

"hey I already have that role" I said running to the scene. "He can't have it to dammit"

"Yes I can" my brother argued, and Wesker silently slipped away into the shadows leaving us to battle out the position of said slave.

XX

7th story:You're such a bitch!

Wesker was communicating to a far away Ada over a high tech sorta thingy ma gigger.

"Ada can you retrieve the sample or not?"

"Yea Ada can ya" I said behind a startled Wesker in his chair.

"Shut up this is business go steal some of my hair products and leave us to work." Wesker scolded me. I looked at him tears welling up.

"Ugh..just go to your corner!" He said and I listened.

"Now back to whats important." He said coolly.

"Yea ye Retrieve the damn sample and give it to the asshole with slick back hair first on my agenda" She said sarcastically. Silence filled the room.

"Why are you such a bitch" He replied

"I'm on my period." she said. He went pale and I laughed my ass off in my corner.

XX

8th story wrong cell:

Wesker had Claire in his grasps. Chris ran down the stairs to find his sister in his mortal enemies lock.

"let her go Wesker you want me not her!"

"Sorry Chris I don't go that way I'm afraid"

"Dammit" Chris said under his breath.

"get in there" Wesker said throwing a weak Claire into a cell. It made a loud thud and Claire made a loud cry. She hit head first into a brick wall

"Whoops wrong cell" Wesker said almost launching.

XX

9th story why the hell am I a blond!:

Jill woke up groggy, and still nearly asleep.

"Where am I?" she thought.

She got up and walked to a near mirror. Her eyes went dead. She washed away of color.

"WHY THE HELL AM I BLOND!!!!!!!!!" she yelled.

Wesker woke from bed nearly falling over and to see me looking at him on his bed.

"Oh god please tell me we didn't" He said looking under the sheets.

"No but Jill's whiny like a bitch, plus I sneaked in and layed with you"

His face tighten and he gritted his teeth but ran to Jill's room.

"What is it Valentine?" he asked. She pointed to her hair with a twitch in her eye.

"don't worry its not permanent I ensure you." He said trying to make her calm down.

She said nothing so I came in and broke the silence

"Well look at the positives you can't get any stupider it was like you were already a blond." She stared me down "Want some shades I said" even I was wearing Weskers pair of shades. She just fainted.

XX

10th story Where he really went:

Billy had just separated from Rebbecca and he already felt lonely. He walked deserted streets until he came upon a bar that was open. His face lit up and he entered the bar hoping for a one night stand.

"Yea one beer bartender" he ordered

"coming right up sir" He sighed and relaxed in his seat. He looked around for any singles, but he failed in doing so. His drink came and he chugged it.

He ordered beer after beer till he left the bar in the back alleys.

"Where do I live again?" He said glaring at his watch "ow yea 20 minutes before 3...........Wheres that?" he said as if someone was right next to him.

He saw a dumpster and he filled with joy "ah home sweet home" He jumped in and slept till morning came and he was picked up by the trash guys and was never seen again.

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Sorry if these weren't as good. I will make better ones I swear but I need good reviews.


	3. Part three

OK so it was really hard to think of funny stuff when your not hyper.......But I did try my best (THANK YOU BRO.)

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11th story What the f.........?:

Sheva found herself back to her normal life after the whole incident in Africa.

She was wondering the streets of a peaceful town called (nobody gives a crap lol)..................Moving on. It was getting pretty dark so she hurried along.

She stopped for a quick meal her order (Triple chess burger, extra large fries, and drink.....She really let herself go) In the corner of her eye she saw a familiar figure.

"Huh?" she said turning to see who it was. "Wesker?" she said quietly to herself, and duck to a nearby booth.

She stared at him for a good amount of time. Her mind rewinding the last event. She found herself drooling on her food not because she was hungry but because she didn't realize how dreamy Wesker was.

"Wait a minute..." She went back to her senses and thought "_Didn't we kill him?"_ she went over to confront him.

He was working at lightning speed on his laptop... Preparing another devilish plan no doubt. He looked up as soon as he felt her presence his eyebrow raised.

He grabbed a fry from the basket of what he ordered.

"Hungry fatty?" He threw the fry at her hitting her in the eye ball.

"Ahhhhh!!!........my eye ball!!!" she screamed and cried on the ground. While Wesker left with his sexy self. "And it has ketchup in it to your so cruel"

XX

12th story What's your eye color?:

Wesker was silently sitting on his couch reading a book (How to make a zombie virus, Take over the world, and become a god all in one day) Both me and my bro. Crept in and sat on either side of Wesker.

"So Wesker can we see those pretty red eyes of yours my kitty?" I said petting his gelled back hair and sniffing it when I took it back. My eyes went into the back of my head at the smell of super strong gel it was my drug.

"Red!....Don't you mean orangy red?" My brother objected. Wesker sunk deeper in his seat and flipped to the next page.

I went over Wesker and came closer to my brother "How do you figure?" I spat. "Wesky tell him!" I ordered.

He didn't move or say anything. So I jumped,and sat on his lap. He got very stiff and very pale.

"Tell him before I rape you" His glasses slipped down his nose showing his RED eyes with them filled with horror.

He put his finger in his eye and pulled out something that would make you gasp.

"It's a contact" he said in a shaky voice. We both stared at him. (NO THEY AREN'T CONTACTS LOL I'M JUST PLAYING)

I narrowed my eyes on him "I'm still raping you!" I warned. He fainted (We still argue about his eye color )

XX

13th story Jill sandwich:

Jill awoke to her alarm clock and made her way to her kitchen for a cup of coffee.

"Um.........Barry what are you doing in my apartment?" Barry nearly fell from the chair he sat on from hearing his name.

"O...J....ill.....Wub..jo...doing..here?" He said his mouth was full of something. Jill looked at him suspiciously, and noticed he was sneaking something behind him.

"Um........I live here,and what exactly are you hiding from me?" Barry eyes went huge and he tried to find excuse.

"I'm just having a Jill sandwich...Want one?" He said holding out the sandwich before Jill. Her eye twitched from the dripping blood she looked down at her body. Her index, and middle finger was missing. She looked at Barry with sheer terror as he took another bite out of his sandwich.

XX

14th story What are you buying:

Jeremy slowly walked a lonely street and entered a back alley. He tripped over something (slow motion work with me here GODZILLA!!!!!) Fell flat on his face.

"Ouch!!! Stupid cracker!!!" He yelled.

"who you calling cracker sonny?" a musky voice came. My brother looked up immediately and saw yes you know it the MERCHANT. My bro. Dusted himself up.

"Why the duce were you just sitting there?" He asked politely

"Waiting for costumers like you! (deeper voice) Now what are you selling?" My brother looked around.

"Um.....nothing?" he said uneasy

"ow OK......What are you buying?" The merchant asked irritated.

"look man I don't get blow jobs, nor hand jobs from dudes OK buddy.....good we have a understanding." he said ready to leave, but the merchant opened his coat. "AHHHH!!!!!!!! child molester help help!" My bro. Covered his eyes from nakedness. He peaked through his fingers to see the merchant was loaded with guns big and small.

"Wait!!!" My brother said confused "you mean to tell me you can afford all these damn guns but not fucking nice clothes I'm out" and my bro left.

XX

15th story who the hell is Hunk:

"Right I'll stick to my main objective," Hunk said through the communicator the voice on the other line quickly agreed. Hunk find himself almost out of this building, passing slow ass zombies on the way.

"Why can't they have me in a bigger part of the game like every one else even that damn merchant has it better than me!" He cried but carried on his mission. It was all to soon that he found himself on the floor and I so happened to pass by.

"Ha ha you fell who knew death was so clumsy" I teased but I realized the his helmet was off, and I was staring into blue eyes,of a person with long black hair.

"HOLY CRAP YOUR A FAG!" I screamed and ran for my dear life. To think I would bump into a homosexual at a time like this.

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OK hey peeps give me ideas I'm running out of them HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!! please review thanks.


	4. Part four

Sorry its been a while rihgt hopefully these aren't horrible!

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16th Story, The growing of the facial hair:

It's pretty funny how Chris Redfield back then was just some scrawny man still trying to grow a mustache and today we see him as a muscular, beard trimmed, very strong, tight wearing shirt B.S.A.A member.

Odd is it not? Perhaps he got a little help from a drug I call steroids O.O Chris you didn't...*gasp*

Or maybe......

He thought he would get Weskers attention,I think not you gay bastard...

XX

17th Story, Chris you haven't changed:

Wesker made his entrance walking as cool as possible down the steps with me behind...

"Chris you haven't changed" Wesker commented, I raised an eyebrow and in a swift motion ran to Chris.

"What the hell are you talking about haven't changed? Are you you looking at the big mother fucker?" I said lifting up one of Chris's arms with all my strength "It seems this big boy drank every protein shake in the whole wide world or _Steroid"_ I said in a whisper. Chris gave me;I'm about to punch the crap out of you look.

"Look he even grew a beard I'm impressed!about time!"

"Didn't you talk about this in the first story" He said, then he shoved a grenade in my mouth which I was very unpleased with cause I socked him in the balls.

XX

18th Story, Nice hair....:

"Krauser I suspect you won't let me down" Weskers voice filled the room.

"Yes your wish is my command" Krauser said with one knee on the floor head bent down. The two men stared each other in the eyes both determined to kill without the slightest remorse.

A very jolly Jermey entered the room eyes wide exchanging glances with both men, then at their hair.

"Nice hair ooh.....ooh" he said hand risen in the air "Can I be Mexican Wesker?"

Both men sighed in irritation wishing to shoot Jermey dead in the head.

XX

19th Story, Sherry:

"Hey Sherry" I said casually walking up to her "What ever happened to you? You were in Re 2 then boom,honestly I thought you were going to be in the 5 one,but that proved to be wrong"

her eyes started to well up in tears.

"Aw whats wrong you didn't make the cut instead Jill did?" She bursted out in tears

"That stupid whore bag thinks shes better then me cause she has fake boobies" She screamed I tried to cheer her up by patting her on the back.

"Its OK your flat chested but at least their real right?" I said

(Whatever happened to Sherry anyways? I actually would prefer her over Jill seriously!)

XX

20th story Stevie boy:

Ok we last saw Steve saying his true emotions to Claire but she couldn't say the same tsk tsk.

That was his last dieing breath or was it? Well where the hell is he now? Did you think Claire liked what she saw? XD

Today we interview Steve here's what he has to say.

Steve: I just want to give a shout out to my home gurl Claire hey baby if you liked what you saw hit me up dawg!

Reporter: Mr. Burnside please tell us why you here in Cali?

Steve: For all the hot chikas my nigga.....oh shizzle I mean to get a call from my boo Claire I love you baby.

That was the last we interviewed Steve for we were informed he got shot in a drive by for trying to be a wigger...... but more important news Uroboros will assure complete Global Saturation.

XX

22nd Story, Behind the scenes (Luis Serra):

We confronted Luis Serra after the scene in RE 4 but all we found were very disturbing.

What we found was a very high Serra off of herb....Beer bottles reaching up to your knees three prostitutes, one deceased, and a huge portrait of Leon?, and maybe a few skeletons.

Unfortunately the camera crew was to scared for further investigation.

23rd Story, Girly hair:

Leon was looking in the mirror admiring what he called beautiful.....himself.

"Look at the glamorous hair" He said running his hand through his brunette hair with ease.

"Are you kidding me we have the same hair style it makes me wonder if your gay" A very bitchy Ada Wong came and interrupted him before he started making out with the mirror.

He turned dark red "I'm not gay!" he said in a squeaky voice

"Are you sure? I bet if you broke one of your nails you'll scream like a woman" She said as she looked down at his nails. Her jaw dropped as Leon quickly hid them behind his back.

"Your nails their pink...."

"Um...sometimes I like to play dress up" He said fake coughing. Ada shook her self out of it

"My point is guys aren't suppose to have long hair unless they're gay"

"SO!" Leon said in defeat.

(No guys aren't gay if they have long hair thats sort of a turn on to me)

XX

24th Story,Again:

Claire Struggled to gasp for air, but thats pretty hard when you have a inhuman, with super strength holding you by the neck.

Yet in a sick twisted way she was enjoying this. When she was released she wanted Wesker to do it again.

"Please Wesker choke me again" Wesker seemed amused with a satisfied smirk on his face.

"Wait a minute what the hell is going on here! I've been waiting to be choked by you forever. Why do you think I irritate you so much because I enjoy pissing you off......Well I do, but why not choke me?" I said pouting,and running to the scene

"Wait I know because you love her thats it isn't it?" I cried. Both Wesker and Claire flushed of color.

I was met with a force greater than anything I ever felt Wesker picking me up from the neck this time I cried with tears of joy.

XX

25th Story, Nakedness :P

I thought about taking another tour of Weskers house again. His house was always so dull there weren't even pictures up on the wall, just colorless furniture he didn't even own a TV.

I stole a apple from his refrigerator, and took a big juicy bite "mm mm delicious just like Wesker. Lets go see if I can go seduce Wesker again without getting thrown from his two story window I'm still paying for that crap." I said sighing.

I walked up the stairs through hallways, past empty rooms till I came upon his door. Threw it open without hesitation, and I was greeted with a huge P**** I'm not aloud to say that lol

"What the hell...get out!...Get Out! NOW!" Wesker screamed.

I slowly closed the door and then opened it again this time I was greeted with a shoe to the face.

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orry these arent't that good review please!


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